Last night Q, my 10 year old, came down shortly after he had gone to
bed and told me his room did not feel right. I did not understand what he meant
and went up to his room to talk to him and put him back to bed. He told me it
He has only had his own room for about 5 months, he was very excited to
get his own room and his older brother C had his own room about 10 years old as well and
loves it. But Q has always been very sensitive, first hint of us being
displeased and he would burst into tears. He had only been in a room alone for
about 2 months when I was at my wits and sleep trained him at 1 yr old. As soon
as he was sleeping well he went into a room with C. Later their little brother A
joined them and when we moved and had a bigger house then he shared with his
little brother A. Now in the new house there are enough rooms for him to have
his own. But last night his loneliness came out and he missed not having someone
there with him. We talked, snuggled, and I rubbed his back and we decided maybe
we could do sleepovers where the boys could go sleep downstairs in the
living room once in a while and that seemed to help. I did think about seeing if
he wanted to go back into the room with A but now that little sister K is in the
room with A and makes it too small to add another bed.
The whole time I was talking to Q I could not help but ponder the belief
that babies and young children need to learn to sleep on their own at such
tender early ages. I do not like to sleep alone I miss my DH when he is not
there, why should my children also have to feel alone? Our disconnect with what
is a biological norm makes it seem weird or improper to sleep with your
children, or to have siblings sleep together, when this used to be normal.
Before hotels when you had a guest come and they needed a place to stay often
they would bunk in the bed with you, your husband, and even your children. Bed
sharing was normal, especially for children and parents. Many people never slept
in a bed alone, they went from a family/sibling shared bed to a marriage bed.
Perhaps sleeping alone is not a normal part of our biological nature, when you
sleep with someone else your breathing alters to match theirs. This is
especially important with babies and your children who may have breathing issues,
their breathing will match yours and will keep them naturally synced. We push
our children so hard to be independent and many people grow up their entire
lives never having shared a bed or even slept in a room with someone else. Yet
they are supposed to be completely comfortable with sharing not only a bedroom
but a bed with someone for the rest of their lives when they get married. Could
this be one of the reasons that it is so hard to keep relationships together,
because we have no idea how to share our space with another person? Could that
be why there is such a rise in sexual activity at younger and younger ages,
these children are lonely and need that sense of having someone there for them?
We were taught from birth that we have to have our own space and cannot be
dependent on others suddenly as adults we have to share everything including
this singular space we have been forced to keep for so long.
Maybe we need to pop the bubble and learn to share that space with our
children and teach them how to share it so that as they get older and find
someone they want to keep in their bubble with them they are able to let them in
and be happy with them there.