I was in a room with 2 new moms and if you get new moms and a birth worker in the same room the talk always turns to birth. These moms were expressing their various feeling about their births and the sadness about parts that did not quite go as planned. Their births went well but had disappointment in various aspects. They were both still trying to process these births and felt bad that they were not just happy that they had a healthy baby.
Not always just about a healthy baby, healthy mother
Women are often told that all that matters is a healthy baby, healthy mother. That they need to just get over it and deal with any disappointment they may have. I think it is perfectly okay to mourn for lost aspects of the birth you envisioned. Even perfect births may have aspects that the mother wanted and did not get. Birth is unpredictable, but many of us have visions of how we want our births to go. When that does not happen we may feel sadness about the loss of that perfect birth. Our feeling can be affected by little things like planning a water birth but the tub was not filled. Wanting the birth filmed or photographed but baby came so fast that there was no time to film it. These little things would not have adversely impacted your perfect birth but you might feel sadness for missing those opportunities.
Many births are more distanced from that perfect birth like planning a natural unmedicated birth and having a long hard labor that necessitates an epidural in order for you to get the relief you need to birth the baby. Wanting an epidural but laboring too fast or it does not work, and ending up with no medication when that was not your plan. Having a cesearean when a natural home birth was the goal. So many other scenarios that may happen that were not a part of your ideal birth. Some births are so far from the mothers’ ideal they are traumatic events. If you have had a traumatic or distressing birth it may need to be processed with others to move forward. (traumatic birth resources).
From the little things to the traumatic, any feelings you have toward your birth are valid. You have the right to feel anyway you want about your birth. It’s OKAY to feel that way and process it however you need to, in order to enjoy your baby to their fullest. (checkout my resource page for local postpartum mental health options)